Forgive and forget

So, I know it's been a year and a half since I blogged. I have no excuse that would hold up. Sorry.

I've been thinking a lot lately about forgiveness that God gives me when I confess my sin to Him. Recently, I've been struggling a lot with shame, unforgiveness, fear, and doubt. I've been angry with God and in complete denial about it - after all, we're not supposed to be angry with God, are we? As I continue this journey He has before me, I'm learning that I've been angry with others and myself, too. And something strange has been happening to me: as I confess my sin, I wonder if it's really possible for me to be forgiven?

I've been taught that God is all-knowing and all-seeing, and it is hard to swallow that He would voluntarily forget my sins after I've confessed them to Him. Pastors and teachers tell me this is true, but I looked it up in Scripture (which is what we should all do ... verify what you're taught with Scripture and you will not be swayed from the truth, right?):
Jeremiah 31:34b - "For I will forgive their wickedness and will remember their sins no more." The writer of Hebrews later quotes the same verse in Hebrews 8:12.
In Romans 4:7-8, Paul quotes Psalm 32, "Blessed are they whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. Blessed is the man whose sin the Lord will never count against him." Unbelieveable that my sin would be covered and not counted against me. Incredible. My brain wants to explode! I'll keep going ...
1 John 1:9 - the verse I memorized so many years ago as a child: "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness." I want to be purified from this mess I make of my life when I go my own way and try to out-run God.
I'm still not finished, though.
Psalm 103:12 is the kicker: "as far as the east is from the west, so far has He removed our transgressions from us." How far is that? Can one start traveling west on this globe and ever end up going east? How silly! Of course not!

So, with all this Scripture piling up (and this is just the tip of the iceberg, because I am a simple woman and not a theologian) - why in the world do I still find it hard to believe?

The enemy doesn't want me to believe it. He wants the shame of my sin to weigh me down and keep me from following the Lord. Satan doesn't want me to depend on the Lord to hold me together when I'm coming apart. He doesn't want me to write this on a blog where someone might actually see it and start thinking about their rleationship with Christ. He certainly doesn't want me sharing my faith with anyone, and by keeping me ashamed of myself and doubtful that God can use me, he has succeeded lately.
However, I will not be held captive any more! I don't know much, but I know that God has a plan and purpose for my life, or He would have taken me home by now. Maybe there's something I have left to learn? Maybe there's something(s) I need to do to further His kingdom. I'm finished wasting time being afraid and ashamed.

Colossians 1:21 "And you, who once were alienated and hostile in mind, doing evil deeds, He has now reconciled in His body of flesh by His death, in order to present you holy and blameless and above reproach before Him ...".

I want to live a life that is above reproach - literally, above rebuke, blame, shame or disgrace (thank you, Mr. Webster, you're worth something to me after all).

How about you?

Nostalgic

I found my wedding album last night while I was cleaning out Lily's closet. It only has a few pictures in it, because I never really got a lot of wedding photos. My dad took the pictures for me, and now - 9 years later - I can't remember why I don't have more of them in that album.

Mostly, the pictures were from my wedding shower. And the sign-in sheets were there from the wedding. People sure can make stupid comments on those!

Anyway, it was shocking to see how young we all looked ... were. I saw my Matron of Honor, Sylvia there. She looked so pretty at my shower with a floral dress on and her hair up in a bun. Syl, you always could make "simple" look beautiful! My two bridesmaids were there: Daphne looked young and she's smiling in every picture, even as she's writing something down on the list of gifts. Rachael was there too. The only pic I have of her was obviously a surprise picture that she didn't expect - she had a shocked look on her face.

I miss Rachael. We had a bit of a falling out a few years back, before Lily was born. I sent her a letter or two - I'm not sure how many. Maybe it was only one. I don't know. I used to send the Christmas letter to her parents, in hopes that she would read it too. Maybe she would call me or write me.? But she hasn't.

It's really hard to go back, I guess. When you've hurt someone's feelings - it's quite possible that they will never forgive you. It's possible that they don't feel they can forgive you. Maybe. Maybe she doesn't want to forgive. I have to live with that. I just wish the silence wasn't so deafening sometimes.